So, I’ve not written in a long time and I think it’s high time I did.  I’ve always heard it’s better not to keep things bottled up inside.  Everyone needs an outlet so I’ll thank you all right now because you’re mine.

I have been listening to podcasts, reading blogs, reading books, checking facebook posts, and receiving emails about how to heal myself, or should I say try.  What’s wrong with me, you might ask.  About a year ago, my doctor changed his practice and decided to charge $2400 to join his practice.  Needless to say I didn’t join.  No doctor for me for a year now.  That means no Thyroid meds, no High Blood pressure meds, no nothing.  I have felt really tired, my joints have ached but I haven’t felt like I needed to have a doctor.  So I guess I’ve saved a ton of money. I called one Dr’s office but not accepting new patients.  Another office wants a $75 non-refundable fee to even make an appt.  How in the world would they code that?  I have heard of one supposedly a good one, on the island, so I will try to make appt on Monday.  I do want to get my labs done and see where I am on the Thyroid front.  The other thing I am struggling with is my weight.  Can’t seem to get it under control.  I have cut down on gluten, and that has helped a little.  The things that help my co-workers to lost weight don’t help me.  One has stopped drinking soda, lost 15 pounds.  Another did a cleanse for a week, eating certain things one day and others the next, lost 12 pounds.  I have been eating real food, don’t drink sodas, salads with protein for lunch, even tried the low carb way of eating, and stayed the same.  I am almost at the point of giving up and resigning to the fact that I am too big to wear the clothes I have.

So, this week while at work, listening to podcast, (sorry I don’t recall the name or number) I learned a couple of things about myself.  I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER!! I never thought I truly did. I mean, yes, I do crave crappy food, I thought we all did and that it was ok.  But now I really think I have a problem or more.  The beginning of healing is admitting you have a problem, right?

First off, I am a closet eater.  I don’t want to hear judgement or even think someone is looking and judging on what I am eating.  I don’t even like telling people about what I eat.  I realise that is kind of hypocritical, right.  I love to see, hear, read about what others eat.  I owned a cafe for 11 years and was entranced in how people combined foods and thought that maybe would make a good book on how different ways of eating food originated.  I, personally try to make good decisions on eating, most of the time, but I am addicted to chips.  I will wait until my hubs goes downstairs or to sleep and eat the whole dang bag.  I know he knows that I eat them, I just don’t want him to watch.  It is my pleasure.  My time alone, making myself happy.  Wow, sounds like masturbation, doesn’t it?  Anyhoo, that was 2 revelations right there. Closet eater and addiction.

I am also a binge eater.  I can go for long periods of time without eating a certain food (chips) then  BAM!! something goes wrong in my life, or I am sad or lonely, or over tired or mad, whatever, and I will eat every bag of chips I can my hands on. Why can’t I binge on good for me food?

What is the answer to these problems?  Maybe being transparent in what I eat could start me not feeling bad about what I eat.  Maybe showing what I eat will help someone else who also is having problems.  Maybe not denying myself chips for long times, will help with my bingeing.  I do love sweet potatoe chips. I can start making my own and they would be so much better than the crappy ones available in stores.

It’s a start and I am hopeful. choose hope


Another day in paradise ….


So I’m lying here in my bed thinking of all the things on my to-do list .  I wAnt to clean the bathrooms, vacuum  up stairs & downstairs, laundry, detail my car, shop, and the hubs just asked to go swimming.  Actually he had asked if I wanted to go slumming, meaning to go to Wally World! So off came the swimsuit and off we went shopping.  First to TJ Maxx , then to Wal-Mart. I really don’t enjoy going there but sometimes there lies the best deals.

I did find a few cute maxi dresses and a shrug to cover my upper arms so I can wear them to work.  I wore one on Friday and let me tell you,I was comfy.  The compliment s were nice too.  Okay, one was a little creepy but I’ll take it anyway.

So, after all that excitement I managed to muster up enough energy to go to work for 3  hours. I’m glad I did, I’ve made up the hours I missed when I had to drive the hubs to the Dr and back. Talk about a 3  hour cruise one way there, then another to get home. Can you say “headache” ?

On the way home I stopped at the favorite place to shopPublix to pick up some thing for dinner as Sat is my nite to cook. Made dinner, cleaned up, folded the clothes I had put in washer and dryer before going to work earlier, and even hung up the new dresses.

While I didn’t get as much done as I wanted, it was still a productive day in my book. Tomorrow is another day.

there’s this thing called accountablity….


And so here it begins.  I have a lot of ‘explaining to do.  I have gained quite a bit of weight and lost quite a bit of energy.  I’m stuck. I want to go out and walk but I am tired.  I do believe some of that is due to not being on my thyroid meds for the last 9 months or so. I haven’t had my doctor to refill them since he changed his practice.  I called  a Dr today but that office isn’t accepting new patients. WTF. Better luck tomorrow I guess.

So back to accountability….. I am using this as my window.  You can see me through my days of getting rid of this extra weight and back to my pretty

Bridge walk/run 2013

me, Shayla, Jane, Alisha

me, Shayla, Jane, Alisha

The bridge walk/run was fun.  I was a about a minute into staying in bed when I remembered I had given my word to Shayla that I would walk with her.  She hasn’t been walking much, even had to borrow walking shoes for it  and I didn’t want to let her down.  So, I dragged my ass out of my warm cocoon of a bed, got dressed, grabbed a cup of coffee & a banana, and drove to the Sidney Lanier bridge.  I got there a little late, but was surprised to see they had us all directed to the close parking, ( I thought) instead of the middle school like last year.  Yeah, right, I had to park out in the cuts and probably walked 1/2 mile to get to the festivities.

I was told to look for the group in red shirts, which is what we got for our team. Uh, red is the same color EVERYBODY got for this year’s bridge walk/run.  HAHA! LAUGH RIOT!!  Anyways, I found us and went up to the bridge and waited for the last of the runners to finish.  The walkers started at 9am so we had to wait about 15 mins. Not too bad.  We all started together but soon it was me and Shayla on our own.  We did pretty good until we got on the decline to the other end of the bridge.  Shayla’s ankles were hurting her so we turned around.  I figure we cut out about 1/2 mile or so.   Not too bad for her 1st time walking.  I don’t know how she is feeling today though.

I have been doing Nichole’s body/mind workout videos.  She does a 5 minute warm-up, 20 minute cardio workout with affirmations, then a 5 minute cool-down.  She puts a new workout on every other module, and I am on module 12 which is the last one.  I haven’t been the best student…… I have done 1, 5, and 9.  I have done them several times, every day last week!  They make me feel so good, I know I need them, but I haven’t been motivated until now.  Maybe it’s because the end is near.  I want to please Nichole by being successful.  That’s a load of crap.  I don’t need to please anyone besides MYSELF.  I want to be healthy, strong and beautiful once again.

Shaky arms and a new workout outfit


bridgeSo, yesterday, I finally got my workout on!  I did one of Nichole Kellerman’s videos.  It was from Module 8 or 9 in Successful Weight Loss School.  One of the moves was laying on a stability ball, and doing a push up then bringing your legs up to your chest, still on the ball.  My arms were so shaky for like hours afterwards.  Yowza!  So tonight, I did what every normal person does….. I did the workout again.  Hair of the dog.

I have 2 more of these workouts to do this week, so I can go buy a new workout outfit.  That’s my celebration for getting off my ass and working out.  I am not celebrating with food anymore.  Who started that anyway?  Probably some chick with a high metabolism.  LOL..

My workout yesterday. …. Body Mind workout #8

Today’s workout  …….         Body Mind workout # 8

Tomorrow’s workout………

Oh yeah, I gotta get some jogging in before Saturday’s Bridge Walk/Run.  I’m gonna walk with a co worker, since last year a couple of my coworkers walked slow with me.  Paying it forward.bridge walk

Continuing new….

English: Vrksasana, the tree position, a Yoga ...

English: Vrksasana, the tree position, a Yoga posture. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I know, that is confusing.  I have to start doing what I have been doing for the last 9 months.  Ha! I just realized that SWLS was 9 months long and pregnancy is 9 months long.  It fits.  I am a new person.  While I haven’t lost a lot of weight, I have lost my fear.  My fear of being  judged for not being perfect.  For having a few rolls and bumps where they shouldn’t be.  For looking all of my 56 years.  Wow! I put that out there, didn’t I ?

I have gained soo much more.   I gained the ability to move more freely.  I can walk upstairs carrying bags in both hands.  When I started, I had to hang on to the handrail, and carry 1 bag.  It hurt my knees, my back and mostly my hips.  What?

I can jog for 30 mins. straight. No walking, no stopping.  The last time, which was day before yesterday, I jogged 3.8 miles in the 30 mins.  Not too shabby if I say so myself.  When I started I could walk 3.8 miles but it took me over an hour and I couldn’t move the next day.  I did a stability ball work out today.  No problem.

I can do yoga for 30 mins.  and am a “calorie roaster”.  When I started, I could do 5 poses  maybe 10-15 mins. and was a beginner.  I had to put my foot down every time I did the tree pose.  I couldn’t do any poses with good balance.

I have friends at work.  I have friends online.  I know I am not alone in my thoughts, feelings.  I am very lucky.  I have more than I ever thought I did.  I am admired, loved, respected.  I am beautiful, young at heart, in shape.    When I started, I viewed myself as a loser.  I was a victim.  I never got what I wanted.  I was a loner.  I thought everyone I loved left me.  I was totally depressed.  I thought I was ugly, old and fat.

I sleep 8 hrs a night, only getting up once to go pee.  I take a blood pressure pill that has a water pill combined so with the amount of water I now drink, I have to let it out.  When I started I would sleep 45 mins to 1 hour and wake up several times, tossing and turning for another hour or more.  Finally dozing off again, and repeat.

I eat a variety of vegies.  I love spaghetti squash, sweet potatoes, butternut squash, fresh spinach, and more.  I could eat salad everyday, and I haven’t bought Ranch dressing for months.  When I started I ate Mcdonald’s , drank a ton of coffee, and sometimes would eat chips for dinner.

I weigh 175. Maybe less, I threw the scale in the trash during the first month.   When I started I weighed 192. ‘Nuff said.

An end to SWLS or a beginning to me?


I received an email the other day that had me instantly in tears. This email was from Nichole, my weight loss coach. In it she imformed me that Module12 was the last module. In it was the last of the information that I needed to learn for me to be successful in my weight loss journey. WTF? Really? Who’s kidding who here? For one thing, it’s just beginning to sink in. SWLS is not a typical weight loss program. We are told we CAN eat whatever we want, no guilt. When there is guilt with eating, the calories are tripled. TRIPLED. We are told to move our bodies in ways that makes us happy, not a certain amount of reps or amount of time. If dancing is your thing, dance. If running is it, then ” run Forrest run! ” . When I started I could only walk. In the pool. I can now jog for 30minutes straight! Usually, it’s 3.8 miles and it’s before work. Big accomplishment for me. In SWLS we are able to tell our fears, downfalls and our successes. We even get to brag. All of these things without ridicule or hate or jealousy. And with other WOMEN. WTF? Let me tell you, it is by far the best school I have EVER attended. I have met some pretty awesome women. One named Carmel aka SKinnyCat.

I choose love




This is my beautiful daughter Jade.  I miss her. She is strong. Independent. Hard working. Loyal. Kind.  Sometimes shy. Not fully aware of her true beauty.  She is a wonderful mom.

Funny, these are things written about me from my friends and family.  Yet, we have different backgrounds.  I had a poor, broken childhood.  Her dad and I are still together and she could live with us right now if she chose.  I was not wanted by my biological mother,  I adore Jade.   I have had a lot of close family deaths at an early age.  Jade  lost her grandma and most recently her beloved grandpa.  I didn’t know my grandparents except my gramma on my mother’s side, but she died when I was 14.  I spent a lot of time searching for love, for life, for inspiration.  Jade has worked in same place for 14 yrs, lived in same town all her life, never leaving she says.  And yet, she has a lot of the same qualities I have.

I used to think that the past shaped me.  And that I would have turned out better if I had lived with different circumstances.  I thought I would be better.  Looking at Jade and marveling at her beauty, I can see myself with a better perspective.  I am not so bad after all.

I am strong.  Independent. Hard working. Loyal. Kind.  Sometimes shy. Not fully aware of my true beauty. I am a wonderful mom.